


Let me show you what it's like to never feel (like I'm good enough for anything that's real)

by findmeinthevoid



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: ANGSTTT, Angst, Other, Reverser au, XD, also total self-projection oopsie, angsty, for a discord writing challenge, oof, opefully doesnt suck, woot i did it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 15:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17880164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/findmeinthevoid/pseuds/findmeinthevoid
Summary: Reverser AU where Reverser gets to the Louvre before Ladybug and Chat Noir





	Let me show you what it's like to never feel (like I'm good enough for anything that's real)

**Author's Note:**

> this was for a discord exchange for the prompt "angsty" but the idea itself came from a certain genius on tumblr (yeek i forget their url at the moment) who did some rather insightful and angsty analysis into the episode

Nathaniel’s head had gone amazingly blank all the way from the park to the museum. He hadn’t even been aware of his feet leading him to the Louvre until h found himself face-to-face with the familiar brown of Alix’s front door. His entire body relaxed at the sight of her short figure peeking out behind her father’s tall form.

She raised an eyebrow, to which he shook his head.

“Not here.”

It was amazing how they’d gotten to a point of communicating without words. It was wild to even imagine that he’d ever find someone he could trust and relax with so easily, not to mention how far they had come together; especially after all they’d been through…

The word “friend” still tasted strange in his mouth and he hesitated to say the word aloud. 

Sure plenty of people had mistaken them for a couple on occasion, to a reaction of utter disgust on Alix’s part as Nath waved off the assumption and assured the misinformed person that they were nothing of the sort.

Then what were they?

Any other person would call them “friends”, but were they, really? 

Friendship wasn’t nearly as superficial and insignificant as today’s society made it out to be. It was complicated and fragile and it was so awkward to seriously talk things out and so easy to jump to conclusions.

And as open as he could be around Alix - compared to literally everyone else - there was still a hesitation, a thin veil of awkward line that had yet to be explored.

_ “Hey, Alix, so, I know it’s a little late - or early? - to ask, but are we friends? Like, is that what we are? Am I your, Alix Kubdel’s friend? Have we gotten to that point of mutual, labelled status of relationship yet?” _

He cringed just thinking about it. No, it was much easier to just pretend things were fine and there wasn’t a storm of paranoia swirling around in his head. He’d just go through the motions till she confirmed it herself...if she ever did.

“Nath?”

“Wh-wha?!”

She gave him a concerned look and he relaxed very slightly. He’d gone off in his own head again, of course.

“So, you wanted to tell me?” she prompted, beginning to skate around the exhibit.

Nath took a moment to register their surroundings. Ah, yes, this art gallery. He sat down on one of the benches that ran along the length of the hall and began to talk.

*

She listened to his entire story the way only Alix could until he finished.

“Maybe you should have given him a chance to explain?” she suggested.

He sighed. “What’s the point? He wanted to tease me. Like everybody else.”  _ “Except you.” _ he wanted to add. She’d changed, after all, hadn’t she?

“It can’t possibly be because of Marinette. It’s not like her to make fun of other people,” she pressed.

He paused, frowning. Maybe he  _ had _ overreacted… But really, who hadn’t played with his emotions at least once? Even Alix was guilty of it, and she was the one he trusted the most.

“Hmm, d’you think I jumped the gun a bit?” he started to ask, turning to her.

An airplane flew by.

He didn’t give it much notice, but it hit Alix right in the elbow and she winced. Probably just some immature kid wandering the Louvre and having nothing better to do, he supposed. Alix got away with her rollerblades, but at least she had some basic respect…

“Ya think?!”

Nathaniel stopped, staring at her. “What?”

She rolled her eyes and resumed the skate-pacing around the hallway, only her face looked more annoyed and irritated than curious and concerned. “Yeah you overreacted. I mean seriously, it’s hard to take  _ you _ seriously when all you do is second-guess everyone and go paranoid that everyone wants to make a fool of you. You’re literally just setting yourself up for disaster - don’t you know?”

Nathaniel stared at her for a long time, his breath suddenly getting caught in his throat. His chest tightened painfully. “Alix…?”

She looked at him, now clearly annoyed. “Quit calling me like we’re friends. You know I oly hang out with you because we’re both the class loners and Kim is such an annoying  _ idiot _ sometimes so I just hang out with you.”

Nathaniel wasn’t sure where his breath had gone, but he needed it. He was growing dizzy from lack of oxygen and everything was pulled tense so he could barely breathe, let alone move.

Alix was only growing more irritated too. “Oh, what, now you’re going to cry because you poured your heart and soul out to some person who only hangs out with you out of pity or lack of better options? Reality is harsh, dude, quit moping around and get on with the program!”

Her words went in through one ear and out the other. His mind was blank again, but this time it wasn’t blind rage. It was blind, but not rage...or maybe it was. Rage at Alix?

Rage on himself.

He couldn’t deny he’d seen this coming for a long time. Perhaps not expected it, but considered it on more than one occasion.

But hearing the words actually spoken aloud was a proper slap to the face. He reached a hand up in an attempt to physically slap his own face, maybe shock himself back to  _ reality _ and realize this was all just some horrible hallucination and the real Alix would never do such a thing.

His hand went numb and he feebly patted his face, insides turning to ice. His eyes were burning and he felt something wet against his eyelids. Nath squinted, hard, willing himself at every cost not to cry. He didn’t feel like crying. 

He’d very much like to go find the closest dumpster in an isolated place and sob himself out of existence.

Mind processing everything at 0.25 speed, vision hazy- was this a hallucination? Was he crazy? Or was he just in shock at finally being exposed to reality?

Alix seemed satisfied with her point having been made, or maybe she was just too tired or disgusted watching his pitiful figure slowly crumple, but she spared him one last glance and skated away.

As utterly useless as his mind had been rendered, images began to flash by, slowly at first, then racing by in quick succession like a movie.

Marc, with his deceptively innocent eyes, watching him with mock concern - it surely couldn’t be sincere, since when was anyone capable of being sincere with  _ Nath _ ?!

Kim, and his laughing face in front of the rest of the class as red hair stuck against his own face, his clothes soaking wet from an accidental dip in the lake. Accidental on his part- very much deliberate on their’s.

Chloe, with her despicable snickering at any small, minor, insignificant misfortune that befell him. The wound rarely hurt until she came to rub some salt into it.

Those were only the major ones that popped up multiple times in this horrible movie that was flashing before his eyes. He took a deep, shuddering breath, and released it, wincing when it broke half-way out.

Great, now he was crying.

Hopeless, pitiful Nathaniel: sitting miserably alone on a bench in the Louvre, sobs wracking his form for all he was worth.

Misguided, deluded Nathaniel: daring to  _ dream _ , let alone  _ hope _ that he deserved anything truly sincere and genuinely good from this world.

_ Maybe it would be more of an ease if he just...left it… _

The thought flickered in his mind briefly before it was replaced by an unexpectedly powerful urge to force it out. 

Nathaniel stood up, wiping his face, with renewed resolve. The surge itself flickered, but it was enough to push him all the way to the entryway to the gallery before he gave up again.

It was enough, though.

Someone was waiting for him at the entryway. Nathaniel had tried to care for himself for long enough. It was time the burden was lifted and he could relax in the control of someone else.

_ “Reversion.” _

Nathaniel’s doubts, worries and nightmares all disappeared with his hopes, wishes, and dreams.

*

__ Hello, hello  
Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero  
Let me show you what it's like to always feel, feel  
Like I’m empty and there's nothing really real, real  
I'm looking for a way out  
Hello, hello  
Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero  
Let me show you what it's like to never feel, feel  
Like I'm good enough for anything that's real, real  
I'm looking for a way out

~ Imagine Dragons, _Zero_

**Author's Note:**

> i cant write angst but i tried
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
